Historical Anger Gets In the Way of Living a Day at a Time
One of the joys of my work as a psychotherapist is helping people deal with anger. After love, this is probably the trickiest of the human emotions and few seem to have learned to manage it adequately. Anger is meant to work for, not against you. Anger is simply a signal that something is amiss. However, fear of expressing it or little to no control over it can create a situation in which an individual loses respect and credibility. Knowing how to use anger to your advantage depends upon what you were taught within your family of origin. Family attitudes toward anger are at the heart of historical anger, which can be defined as the build up of unexpressed anger over one’s lifetime.
Historical anger fuels rage and, surprisingly, depression, too. It keeps you plugged into the past. How it affects each individual depends upon the unspoken and explicit lessons of childhood. A man or woman who is unable to reveal any anger at all may have learned that anger is a bad or forbidden emotion. He or she may have grown up in a household where anger and opposition were never expressed, where a smile–or at least a neutral mask–was required at all times. This circumstance most often produces a child (and later an adult) who has never learned anything about anger or negotiation. This person is extremely sensitive to, or frightened by, any expression of disharmony or conflict and is committed to keeping everything under control. On the other hand, the early environment may have been one of frequent or periodic physical or verbal explosions which can create an individual determined never to repeat the chaotic discord of childhood, one who suppresses every dissenting impulse. However, the same environment can give rise to a frightened and powerless child who grows into an adult who feels safe only in his or her ungoverned expression of anger.
It’s easy to see how historical anger fuels rage, but what about depression? Our bodies are miraculous creations which have certain fail–safe mechanisms built in to them. One deals with the build–up of extreme distress. Please note the word is not stress, but distress. Stress is a normal part of the human condition holding our bodies upright on the earth and responsible for the healthy kind of competitive urges that enable progress. Distress leads to disease. A major cause of distress is the suppression of emotion. As with any toxic build up, when emotional distress reaches a danger level, the body responds. It begins to shut itself down to reduce the pressure, creating some of the outward signals we have come to identify with depression: appetite loss or overeating which produce numbness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, sleeping too much or too little, turning off the phone to avoid stimuli, shutting people out.
Until an individual deals with historical anger, there is little chance that day to day situations involving anger will be handled with any degree of mastery. Annoyance, frustration, exasperation, feelings of being taken advantage of, or abused, or of being over–protected all stimulate the anger signal. One’s response to the warning depends upon whether he or she can address the situation openly, clearly and calmly, or whether one’s history commands the response. If history is in charge, you will most likely explode inappropriately, say nothing at the moment and comply with authority, but be set off later by some unrelated annoyance, or you will comply and swallow whatever anger signals you may notice and say nothing about it, hoping to keep the peace. People who respond in the third mode usually have conditioned themselves so well that they no longer feel more than the slightest stirring of annoyance or anger and are out of touch with feelings in the extreme. Interestingly, rage as well as suppression keeps people out of touch with their real feelings.
If one wishes to grow, the solution is to look back–at historical anger–and begin to examine your life. This doesn’t have to be in analysis or with a psychiatrist. Think of the task as an archaeological dig with a good and trustworthy guide–a journey into your Authentic Self, the Self who exists beneath the smile, below the rage. You can begin in a journal, with a trusted spiritual advisor, in a therapy or anger group, or with an individual therapist who isn’t afraid of anger and who understands that he or she is simply your guide, that this is your journey, your agenda.
Being able to live one day at a time is basic to a happy, satisfying life. Historical anger keeps the past alive. It is the gun powder that turns a quiet statement of about your anger into an noisy outburst. It’s the gag keeping you silent, the mask hiding who you are, the cause of your fear of incurring someone’s displeasure, or of making waves. To live in the present it’s necessary to unplug from the power of historical anger, yours or someone else’s. Letting go of the power of the past is not an easy task–it requires willingness to face fear, to feel it rather than fight it, and, eventually, to forgive. This could take a lifetime, but it is the only way one can call back his or her own power. It is the only way to take possession of your life and your spirit. Once historical anger is in its proper place, dealing with the day to dayness of life becomes possible.
Jan Luckingham Fable
© 1997