Category Archives: Articles

Historical Anger

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Historical Anger Gets In the Way of Living a Day at a Time

One of the joys of my work as a psychotherapist is helping people deal with anger. After love, this is probably the trickiest of the human emotions and few seem to have learned to manage it adequately. Anger is meant to work for, not against you. Anger is simply a signal that something is amiss. However, fear of expressing it or little to no control over it can create a situation in which an individual loses respect and credibility. Knowing how to use anger to your advantage depends upon what you were taught within your family of origin. Family attitudes toward anger are at the heart of historical anger, which can be defined as the build up of unexpressed anger over one’s lifetime.

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Dealing with Shame

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Shame is an unrelenting feeling of not being wanted and of being unworthy of being wanted. This kind of shame is experienced whenever what you believe to be your “worthless”, “inadequate”, or “bad” self is threatened with being exposed and you feel in danger of being humiliated and rejected by others. Excessive shame is a prison. It keeps a person caged in feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, and even despair.

There are several sources for shame, including our genetic and biochemical make-up, chronic depression, for example, our American culture, our families of origin, current relationships which are shaming in nature, and our own self-shaming thoughts and behaviors. It is very likely that excessive shame is what you’re dealing with if you are extremely self-conscious and often feel unable to speak or act. Shamed people often find themselves in awkward situations, wanting to escape but incapable of making themselves leave. Shamed people fear that if others really knew them, they’d be disgusted or hate them. People who have been shamed also dread being caught in a mistake of any kind. Some are constantly ready to see or point out the weaknesses of others, or often find themselves furious–inwardly or outwardly–over the slightest perceived affront to themselves or to their dignity.

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Loss and Grief

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Life is filled with losses. It begins with the loss of our perfect oneness with another person at the moment of our birth and ends with the loss of our own life (see note below). In between, humans suffer every kind and degree of loss, such as losses of a parent, loss of one’s child, loss of one’s childhood, of one’s innocence, or losses of health, freedom, safety, money, employment, home, friends, or loss of a spouse or life partner to death, divorce or separation.

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Living a More Conscious Life

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Conscious living. We hear this phrase often enough – you may use it yourself – but do you really understand what it means? Do you know how to achieve it? And do you really want your life, your choices and your responses to be conscious?

According to Caroline Myss, author of Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can (Harmony), consciousness is something we seek, and then run from. Why? Because consciousness demands responsibility and action. If I know I’m being harmed, if I know I’m harming someone else, if I know I’m not living up to my own personal honor code, there is only one way to respond consciously: I have to act. I have to change whatever I am doing or not doing. I have to change the way I am living.

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Making Choices

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Making Choices

I realized recently that there is a developmental piece of the recovery process—i.e. the process of becoming a separate Self—to which I’ve given too little focus. This recognition came about after I invited my elderly parents to come to Fairfield to live with me and they accepted my invitation.

A number of people have responded to my news with comments like: “Oh no! How can you even think of doing that?” and “That doesn’t seem like you at all.” and “Are you sure you’ll be happy doing this?” These reactions have made me think about the work I do helping people individuate— helping them identify and speak up about their feelings, and take care of themselves and honor their own needs—and I realized that there’s something that comes after individuation and self- actualization. I’m not sure what to call it, but it involves saying “yes” to choices or commitments even when we know there will be discomfort, pain and difficulty for us if we do. It’s about making a choice because we know it’s the right thing to do.

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Resistance

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Some Thoughts About Resistance

Resistance is that response which rises up in each of us when we know what we should or shouldn’t do, but can’t quite do or not do it for reasons we often don’t understand, and sometimes can’t even see. I’ve been thinking a lot about resistance lately because I’ve been working with a personal trainer after four years of enforced physical inactivity. Severe breathing problems, which were caused by a leaking toner cartridge in my laser printer, took four long years to heal and, during that time, I became more and more sedentary and out of shape. Now, even though I can finally breathe most of the time without medication and I have a strong commitment to getting fit again, there are many moments when all I want to do is weep and give up. I want to collapse and stop and just get away from the discomfort of using muscles I haven’t used for such a long time.

When resistance arises, what all of us are saying-or at least thinking-is essentially the same thing: ‘I know I need to change, and I do want to be different-at least I think I do. But please don’t make me work too hard. I really just want to make a little effort and wake up a different person.’ This is such a human thing and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. It’s a natural part of the process of change and growth.

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Feeling Your Feelings

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Many of us come to therapy because of trouble feeling our feelings. We are blocked emotionally or creatively. Some of us may have trouble sleeping. Some may be suffering because of feelings of isolation or alienation, while others aren’t finding pleasure enough in sex. Whatever the nature of the complaint, as we delve beneath the surface, we will most likely find the fear of falling apart at its core.

Most of us weren’t taught how to give up control of ourselves. In fact, most of us have learned that giving up control of ourselves is wrong, or a bad thing to do, and we’re terrified of the very thought of it. Therefore, we invest a great amount of our energy into holding ourselves together, holding on to our feelings, and into controlling our impulses.

Some of us succeed so well we lose touch with ourselves-sometimes falling into depression and despair. Others among us partially succeed at holding everything in until we are swept up in a flood of emotion or an angry explosion. Some rebel against the very notion of control, raging all over the place, losing friends, marriage partners, jobs, and credibility.

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