Life is filled with losses. It begins with the loss of our perfect oneness with another person at the moment of our birth and ends with the loss of our own life (see note below). In between, humans suffer every kind and degree of loss, such as losses of a parent, loss of one’s child, loss of one’s childhood, of one’s innocence, or losses of health, freedom, safety, money, employment, home, friends, or loss of a spouse or life partner to death, divorce or separation.
The experience of loss is often looked at in the context of the five stages delineated by Elizabeth Kübler Ross, MD in her book, Death and Dying. She she studied people who were dying, and observed denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as the stages of the dying process. In the popular culture we now seem to apply them to all kinds of loss. However, keep in mind that Kübler Ross was describing a process she observed in the dying.
Life is never tidy enough to permit clear and boundaried stages, however. One moves in and out, back and forth through these stages until, hopefully, acceptance is reached. But even acceptance isn’t as permanent as it sounds, because acceptance doesn’t mean that one no longer feels grief. Even after acceptance is reached, grief returns, but, perhaps, one can at that point allow the grief to float in the acceptance rather than having to pull away from it.
It’s important to point out here that there are some losses that will be with us for a lifetime. The loss of a child, a parent – especially at a young age, a close sibling, a spouse or a life-partner are not wounds that heal completely. Violent trauma is also in this category. There is a difference, however, between integrating a loss or trauma of such magnitude into one’s life and reliving it indefinitely.
Some people who believe there is a divine source – whether they call it God, Goddess, Buddha, Jehovah, Higher Power, Highest Good, Universal Love – and that there is a plan at work in their lives, come to acceptance fairly easily and others may find that their struggle with loss is complicated by the way they understand the meaning of “will of God” or by a belief, conscious or unconscious, that they are somehow being punished. In the same way, some people who are uncertain of what they believe, or who believe this life is all there is may move smoothly into acceptance and others may find their energy invested in pulling away from experiencing their loss through depression, anger, or in denial of feelings. At times, when a loss involves feelings of betrayal or abandonment, a person’s energy can also become invested in revenge.
Your energy is your life force. It is your power, your spirit. It is the survival intuition with which all of us are born. It is your sexuality, your creativity, your self-esteem. It is your will and your mind and it is your ability to receive guidance, whether from a divine source or from a trust in a creative universal mind. Each day you begin with a full complement, 100% of this energy. However, the negative feelings and experiences you can’t let go of as you move through your day, drain the energy you need in the present for healing your body, healing your soul, loving, working, creating, communicating, and for being yourself. Some of these feelings may be anger at having to live the way you do, depression over the death of a spouse or the end of a marriage, self-loathing or self-blame, fear that you cannot continue, or thoughts of taking revenge on whomever has hurt you–the list could go on and on. If you are caught in anger or depression, or if you’re walking through life feeling anesthetized, your spirit is plugged into the past. If you’re living for revenge, dreaming of some magical happy ending, or filled with fear, your spirit is plugged into the future. The point is, if your energy is invested in denial, anger, depression, fear, or revenge, what is left for living?
If your energy is invested this way, your life force is being drained from you. You are giving these things authority over you, over your spirit. The way to reclaim our spirit from negative authority is through surrender. For some, surrender may feel unthinkable because surrender means: ‘Some other will be done, not mine.’ At times when one is able to achieve surrender, nothing in the outside world is frightening any more and you know anything is possible. Paraphrasing the words of Caroline Myss, Ph.D., teacher and author of Anatomy of the Spirit, surrender changes one’s entire relationship to everything that is. To surrender, we first have to get rid of all the old superstitions about God and life. We have to plug into this belief: I trust that my needs will be met, that all is well, and that I will get guidance as I need it.
Surrender allows us to fully function but it is a terrifying step to take. It means unplugging from all the negative authorities we have given power over us–anger, fear, the desire for revenge, the negative beliefs we’ve been taught about ourselves and about others, and unplugging from our addictions and our habits. The only way to unplug is to become conscious – to pay attention to every single relationship and every situation every day. We have to ask ourselves continually if we are giving away our power; and if we are, we have to stop. “Where am I?” ” Where is my energy going now?” are the questions to ask yourself as you move through the day. If your answer is, ‘I don’t know’ you are making a conscious commitment to remaining unconscious. When you find that your energy is going to anger, depression, fear or revenge, call it back to the present moment. Acts of forgiveness are what bring us into present time – forgiveness of a person, of an experience, or forgiveness of ourselves.
In Vedic teaching, there are seven energy centers in the body, called chakras. The first three chakras connect us to the material world and to the spirit in it. The first chakra is at the base of the spine and connects us to our tribe–our family, church, culture, corporations–and to tribal rules. The second chakra, about two inches below the navel, connects us to control and competition, sexuality, creativity, and financial matters. The third, which is at the diaphragm, connects us to our honor and integrity, to our survival intuition and also to the criticism we have held on to over the years. It’s easy to see that if one holds on to much criticism, there will be little energy for honor and integrity. The fourth chakra is the heart, the center of spirit—-your power is here. The fifth is at the throat and is the center of the will. The sixth is between and behind your eyes and is your mental energy, your capacity to use wisdom. Finally, the seventh chakra is at the crown of your head–your spiritual savings account, where guidance, blessing and grace, or whatever you choose to call it, is received and stored.
Your belief system is at the heart of being stuck in the past long after the loss. Do you believe we are all promised a happy childhood? Were you taught that you cannot survive without a mate? Do you rigidly cling to the belief that there is only one acceptable style of living, only one kind of work that can make you happy? Do you believe that forgiveness is letting the other person ‘off the hook’? Do you believe that creation was a random event or that God’s justice is like human justice? Do you believe that it is a betrayal of someone you love who has died for you to fully participate in your life? If these are some of the beliefs to which you’ve committed your spirit, your reality will change only when you detach from their authority over you. When you change what you believe, you change what is possible.
Good psychotherapy, spiritual guidance, and many of the different types of energy work can help lead you to be more fully conscious in your life. If you are willing to do the work, you can make the changes that will set your spirit free.
Jan Luckingham Fable
© 1998
NOTE: In September 2000, Bill Moyers and Public Broadcasting presented a four-part program on end-of-life issues called On Our Own Terms. You will find a wealth of information about end-of-life decisions and resouces at the PBS web site.