Some Thoughts About Resistance
Resistance is that response which rises up in each of us when we know what we should or shouldn’t do, but can’t quite do or not do it for reasons we often don’t understand, and sometimes can’t even see. I’ve been thinking a lot about resistance lately because I’ve been working with a personal trainer after four years of enforced physical inactivity. Severe breathing problems, which were caused by a leaking toner cartridge in my laser printer, took four long years to heal and, during that time, I became more and more sedentary and out of shape. Now, even though I can finally breathe most of the time without medication and I have a strong commitment to getting fit again, there are many moments when all I want to do is weep and give up. I want to collapse and stop and just get away from the discomfort of using muscles I haven’t used for such a long time.
When resistance arises, what all of us are saying-or at least thinking-is essentially the same thing: ‘I know I need to change, and I do want to be different-at least I think I do. But please don’t make me work too hard. I really just want to make a little effort and wake up a different person.’ This is such a human thing and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. It’s a natural part of the process of change and growth.
As you read this, I’m sure you can think of at least one part of your life in which resistance is keeping you stuck. It may be as basic as knowing that the only way to get organized is to go through all those bills and papers and reports and either throw them out or file them. Maybe you know beyond a doubt that the only way to lose weight is to change the way you eat and your level of activity. Perhaps you know the only way you’ll be happy with your life, is to begin speaking up for yourself-in your career or to a significant person. Or more difficult still, you may know in your heart of hearts that you have to leave your job or end an important relationship.
Whatever the situation, berating ourselves, calling ourselves names, or generally trying to shame ourselves, won’t move us beyond the resistance. What we need to do is to comfort, reassure, and nurture ourselves-not with food or alcohol or other escapist comforts-but with affirmations and other positive self-talk. It also helps to have someone with whom to talk. Someone who is objective, whom we trust to tell us when they see us avoiding and back-pedaling-a trusted friend, a counselor, or a spiritual advisor-someone who also affirms our worth and encourages us to grow and to act in our own behalf.
Years before I became a psychotherapist, a very wise woman taught me that change requires three things: first my awareness, then my acceptance and then action comes last. This makes perfect sense. I can’t ever hope to change something I’m not aware of. So first, I have to recognize the behavior or the attitude that is making my life difficult. Accepting means I have to struggle to embrace, rather than disown, the behavior or attitude. All of us have a tendency to deny parts of ourselves-attitudes, behaviors, disabilities we believe are unacceptable. We ignore them or shame ourselves for them. The problem is, denial will never get us anywhere and shame will only make us feel bad and disempowered. Action can come only after I’ve recognized and owned the particular behavior or attitude which causes me difficulty and therefore needs changing.
A friend of mine once described progress as ‘Oops! I did it again. Oops, I did it again. Oops! I almost did it again.’ The truth and humor of his description appealed to me and I’ve never forgotten it. The ‘Oops! I did it again’ stage of a person’s progress is the awareness and acceptance part of the path to change. The ‘Oops! I almost did it again’ stage is the beginning of action and change. A client once called me and said, “I’m deep into the ‘Oops! I did it again’ stage and I’m not in the least bit thrilled to see myself this clearly.”
The ‘Oops! I did it again’ stage is the resistance. You’ve become aware of what you’re doing or not doing and you’ve recognized that it isn’t helping you, but you do or don’t do it anyway. This is not a fun time. It’s a time when your own behavior and/or attitudes are right in your face. Oops! You know there’s another way to go, but you keep choosing the old, familiar way. Even when you’re at the ‘Oops! I almost did it again’ stage, you may be right at the beginning, during which you have long, long moments of debate about what to do or not do. In my early workouts, when I began each set of crunches, I’d take a deep breath and tell myself to move, but I wouldn’t. Instead I’d take another deep breath and tell myself to move again. Sometimes I needed five or six deep breaths and inner commands before I actually began to do the set. This is resistance.
I wish I had some magic words for overcoming resistance, but I don’t. It’s part of change, and change is difficult. There’s a familiarity about life as it is. Notice I didn’t say comfort, because it isn’t about comfort. A woman being abused by her significant other isn’t comfortable; nor is a person who’s continually overlooked for promotion despite giving 100% to the job. Ask anyone who has to try on half the things in the closet to find something that fits if they’re comfortable. Of course these things aren’t comfortable. But giving up what’s familiar? Doing something differently? That’s difficult. That’s also why, even once we know and accept, we go through long periods of observing ourselves doing, or not doing, again and again. Oops! And, perhaps the hardest thing of all is that once we have passed through awareness and acceptance, we can never fully return to ignorance and denial again.
Changing oneself is a long, slow process. Resistance to change is an integral part of that process. Groups, therapeutic and self-help, psychotherapy, and spiritual counseling can help. It’s certainly possible to change, but we often need support and encouragement in order to recognize what needs changing and to persevere through the ‘Oops! I did it again stage.’ Many of us also need help–a little or a lot–learning to see ourselves with a more compassionate eye, learning to affirm and validate ourselves, and learning to accept ourselves, resistance and all.
© 1998